Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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