i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
