i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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