We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
