Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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