I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
