totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
