that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I have fence marks all over my body
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
