the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
