I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Green mimosas i think yes
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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