So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
