HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Randomize
