they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
