He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
