Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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