He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
