Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I got inside last night via doggy door
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
