the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
