She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
