Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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