Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Oh god it's open bar.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
