he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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