Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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