how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
