did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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