Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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