I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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