WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
