I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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