so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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