He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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