I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
