He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you told grandpa to call you daddy
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
