my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
