Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize