i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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