Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
