He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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