Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
