This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
