She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
