My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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