I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
