Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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