new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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