Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
