this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
