I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
