shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
