i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
