I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
