Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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