my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
