Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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