i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
