I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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