I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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