thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
