i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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