you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize